It was that time of the day when the world was still wrapped in serenity, as rays of light started to bleed through the gap between the buildings, enlivening the dark with a soft orangish hue.
The steady breath of a person he was watching filled the room with a comforting rhythm and to Jesse’s relief, the person’s face showed an equally peaceful expression, as if he had drifted to some faraway land leaving the consciousness behind.
Jesse loved moments like these because he knew very well how long it took for the person in front of him to finally let his eyes closed every time. It pained him to see the crease in between Hokuto’s brows along with heartbreaking sniffles; which had lasted through the night and repeated every single day for the past months.
It hurted him even more because he could do nothing to comfort the other; not even to offer a single touch to wipe off the traces of tears in Hokuto’s eyes.
“Hokuto…” he mumbled for nobody to hear, just felt the need to say the name he held so dear with all his presence, knowing that no matter how many times he tried to reach out, it would be in vain.
Sometimes Jesse wondered how long he would be allowed to stay, and every day when the first ray of sun slipped into the room, he would wish for another chance; another day to call Hokuto's name before the sun fully emerged.
***
Hokuto felt his surroundings growing warmer as his consciousness started to resurge, his eyelids fluttered open but the brightness forced him to shut reflexively for a good seconds before he could adjust and let the vivid colors back into view. The sight only made him realize once again that he was alone on the king-sized bed, which lately felt too spacious for him alone. The room greeted him with nothing but a deafening silence, intensifying the feeling of emptiness in his chest. Looking at the bright morning light already filling up the room, Hokuto realized he must have gotten several hours of sleep and the clock on the wall confirmed it.
A couple months has passed since the day his world turned upside down, since Jesse left for a place he couldn't reach just yet.
***
Hokuto lay down in bed, staring up at the ceiling. The silence in the room was like an old, heavy coat wrapped around him. That somehow felt like he was getting used to it—too used to it. And that frightened him.
In the beginning, he’d keep the television on all night to drown out the silence, or he’d play music, letting it fill the emptiness with sounds that reminded him of Jesse’s laugh, his voice, his footsteps. But lately, Hokuto found himself turning the television off before he fell asleep, and in the mornings, the silence no longer felt like it was going to choke him.
He sat up slowly, swinging his legs off the bed and pressing his feet onto the cool floor. His fingers brushed the comforter where Jesse used to sleep, and his mind sparked with a hazy image of Jesse smiling up at him, teasing him for waking up so early. The memory pulled at his heart, and a pang of guilt ran through him. He didn’t want to forget the feeling of Jesse beside him. But somehow, the pain was becoming softer, less consuming.
Brewing coffee in the morning before he started his day was still a part of his routine despite the lack of warmth beside him as he waited for the black liquid to fill in his mug.
"I don't want to get used to this," he whispered to the empty kitchen, his fingers tracing the handle of Jesse's favorite mug, still hanging on its designated hook. "I don't want to forget how you liked your coffee."
Jesse stood in his usual corner of the kitchen, watching Hokuto's internal struggle with a bittersweet smile. If he could, he'd tell Hokuto that adapting doesn't mean forgetting, that healing doesn't diminish love. But his words remained unheard, floating in the space between their two worlds.
***
It was during one particularly difficult evening, when the silence had become almost suffocating and tears couldn't be dammed, Hokuto rushed to a nearby park so he could breathe some more air. That was when a soft meow from the bush behind the bench piqued his attention. Following the sound, he found a small cat with striking blue eyes, curled up in a small cardboard box.
"Hello there," he said softly, crouching down. The cat looked at him with Jesse's same fearless curiosity, and something in Hokuto's chest loosened just a fraction.
That's how Aoi-chan came into his life - named for her eyes that reminded him of deep ocean waters. Jesse watched with joy, his heart warming at how gentle Hokuto was with the small creature.
"She likes your side of the bed," Hokuto would sometimes murmur in the dark, as Aoi curled up on the untouched pillow. Jesse would sit beside them both, grateful for the company she provided, even if she occasionally stared right at him with those knowing eyes, the only being that seemed to sense his presence.
***
Jesse was there, month after month, as he always was, watching Hokuto go through his day. The grief that had weighed so heavily on him seemed to be easing, replaced with moments of peace that, for Jesse, felt like quiet victories. He was grateful for Aoi-chan, for the way she lingered around Hokuto, seeming to bring him the comfort Jesse no longer could, something that Jesse wished he could provide for the longest time, but fate said otherwise. He had to leave Hokuto alone so suddenly, without a single warning or even premonition, he had brought 2 slices of cakes on his way home and the next second all he could sense was nothing.
***
One day, Jesse followed Hokuto to the rooftop of their apartment building. It had been their special place—the place where Jesse had confessed his feelings, under a sky painted in shades of blue and gold. Hokuto had laughed nervously back then, looking away in embarrassment, but Jesse remembered the spark in his eyes as he’d accepted his confession, the warmth of their first kiss.
Jesse watched Hokuto lift Aoi-chan into his arms, holding her close as he gazed over the city. The wind played with his hair, and for a moment, he looked as he always had, peaceful and in his element.
Hokuto sat down on the rooftop’s edge, letting Aoi-chan settle in his lap. He was smiling softly as he looked out into the distance. “Jesse,” he whispered, “you’d laugh at me if you saw me now, wouldn’t you? Sitting here talking to a cat like she understands me.”
A soft laugh escaped him, but his gaze grew distant, and Jesse felt the ache of longing in his words. He wanted to answer, to reach out and brush his fingers over Hokuto’s hair, but he knew he couldn’t.
Instead, he stayed beside Hokuto, letting the silence stretch between them, and for once, the silence felt like an understanding.
***
Their anniversary came on a crisp autumn evening. Hokuto set the table for two, placing Jesse's favorite dishes across from his own plate. Aoi--chan watched from her favorite spot on the windowsill as Hokuto raised a glass of wine.
"I'm doing better," he said to the empty chair, tears ran down his cheeks. "But better doesn't mean I miss you any less."
Jesse stood behind him, his hands hovering over Hokuto's shoulder. "Hokuto, you're so strong, you know" he whispered.
***
As time passed, Jesse could feel himself becoming less tethered to this world. His form would sometimes fade, like radio static, before solidifying again. He knew what it meant - his time as an observer in Hokuto's world was coming to an end.
One evening, drawn by some invisible force, they both found themselves on the rooftop. Hokuto leaned against the railing, Aoi-chan looked comfortable between his legs, while Jesse stood just a few feet away.
"I think I'm ready," Hokuto said to the setting sun. "Not to let you go - never that. But to move forward, carrying you with me instead of being anchored by your absence."
Jesse felt a warmth spread through his fading form. Even without being able to see or hear each other, their hearts had reached the same understanding. It was the time.
As the last rays of sunlight painted the sky, a brilliant rainbow appeared, arching across the city. Jesse felt himself being drawn toward it, his form becoming lighter, more translucent with each passing moment.
"I love you, Hokuto. Goodbye," he whispered, his words carrying on the evening breeze.
Hokuto shivered slightly, wrapping his arms around himself. A strange sense of peace settled over him as he watched the rainbow fade, Aoi purring at his feet. Somewhere, deep in his heart, he knew that Jesse had finally found his way home.
"Goodbye," he whispered back, a smile touching his lips for the first time in months. "Thank you for loving me."
The sun dipped below the horizon, painting the sky in the same orangish hue that had colored their mornings together. But this time, instead of marking another day of loss, it felt like the beginning of something new - a life where Jesse's memory wasn't a weight to carry, but a light to guide him forward.
Aoi-chan meowed softly, pawing at Hokuto's leg. As he picked her up, cradling her close, he could have sworn he felt a familiar warmth brush against his cheek, like the ghost of a kiss. And for the first time since Jesse's passing, the warmth didn't bring pain - only gratitude for having been loved so completely, and the certainty that love like theirs never truly ends; it just changes form, like light through a prism, creating rainbows in the darkest of times.
That night, as Hokuto settled into bed with Aoi-chan curled up in her usual spot on Jesse's pillow, he didn't cry himself to sleep. Instead, he found himself smiling at the memories that once brought only pain - Jesse's loud laugh that would echo through their apartment, the way he'd dance while doing dishes, how he'd insisted Hokuto to wear his hoodie claiming they were warmer but Hokuto knew he just liked seeing Hokuto wrapped in his clothes.
As sleep began to take him, Hokuto realized that Jesse had given him one final gift - the understanding that moving forward didn't mean leaving love behind.
In the space between sleeping and waking, in that liminal moment where reality blurs at the edges, Hokuto could almost hear Jesse's voice, clear as a bell: "Live well, love. Live wonderfully well." And for the first time since losing him, Hokuto knew with absolute certainty that he would.